Addicted to Pain!

Today, I realised I'm addicted to the pain!

There is so much comfort in it for me.

It's blinding, suffocating and farking frustrating.

It's dense, heavy and literally hurts my heart.

Yet, I still continue to sit in it.

And not sit in it in the sense of processing,

Sit in it to suffer, stay stuck and not move.

I'm unconsciously choosing to suffer,

And if I'm honest, sometimes even consciously.

𝐖𝐡𝐲 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬?

𝐖𝐡𝐲 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬?

𝐖𝐡𝐲 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐲 𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐬𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐲 𝐭𝐨𝐨𝐥𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐟𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐢𝐭, 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐮𝐥𝐚𝐫𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐬 𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐛𝐲𝐩𝐚𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠?

This is the suffering loop.

The loop of 'comfort'.

The loop of childhood trauma imprinted as 'normal'.

The loop of 'drama'.

The loop of grief.

The loop of sympathetic nervous system.

The loop of triggering the automatic stress response.

If I'm honest, it makes me feel at home.

It reminds me of my Mum,

And in some weird way, brings her closer to me on these very human days.

It keeps me with those I have lost in these moments,

Like my pain is a trophy for my love for them,

A trophy for my old life and what I've overcome.

All of this in my body was how I used to function day in and day out.

It literally was NORMAL and was wired in me as that.

Though IT'S NOT normal!

It's actually a ball and chain that is not attached to anything, but myself.

Feeling weighed down, stuck...

Because I'm holding on.

When I could choose to let go.

Thankfully I've rewired so much that these moments are rare.

Though when they surface and I'm deeply in my human,

Particularly this week, since Jake has left.

Well, if I'm honest, this year since deciding to sell and travel.

I've witnessed the loop.

Dive deep into my masculine doing energy.

Get so much done!

Disconnect from my feminine flow, my nurturer,

And therefore disconnect from my body.

I stop listening to her, to my body and stop honouring my needs.

I just keep going until I nearly fall down.

Then when I fall, there is so much pain.

It clouds my mind, my heart constricts and my sleep is out of wack.

My overthinking mind kicks into overdrive and I can't switch off the extensive entrepreneurial to do list in my head.

I'm living in the past of what has been, what was...

Or I'm living in the future of what could be, what if...

Instead of being right here, right now.

Since I've left, I'm tired, drained and lacking energy.

I've realised how much my body has been in fight/flight for the past few months.

That my body is likely in chronic fatigue presently from the hormones that's been required as I've been in that constant stress response.

It has probably been years since experiencing this level of 'stress' and my body being in this much fight/fright and thus I forgot what it looked like, felt like, sounded like...

Until I started rejecting and just witnessing.

(Also an excuse rather than simply doing ceremony, doing my somatic movement to release and shift it).

I've realised this week that I have a fear consuming me,

I hit the road Tuesday and I've barely gone anywhere.

The reality is though, I'm not pushing through it.

I'm not utilising my tools to move me past stuck.

Because holding onto my 'old life' means it's still here.

Means the possibility of losing anything is less.

However, that's a story, an illusion and not the reality I have chosen by selling everything and hitting the road.

By being stuck in what was, out of fear, means I'm dishonoring myself and the sacrifices I've made.

I'm dishonoring my son by not living my dream.

A dream 𝙝𝙚 𝙡𝙚𝙩 𝙢𝙚 𝙜𝙤 to pursue.

The fear of letting go of the past, my old identities, life as it has been up until now.

Letting go of 17 years of being a full time Mum as that's not my role anymore.

Letting go of my whole world revolving around my boy and how that has motivated me.

Fear of loosing my best friend and not being close to her.

Fear of letting go of the life I built in Brisbane, that I've become so proud of

Fear of stepping into the now.

Resisting this new life I've called in.

That is here.

Letting go of my old pair of Converse to continue trying on my new shoes until I break them in.

The reality is, who am I without being a full time Mum?

Who I am without being the wifey to my best friend, particularly now?

What if I let go and never come back?

These two souls in particular, saved my life.

I owe them everything.

So, in truth, I owe them my happiness and love in letting go,

To honour the journey and them.

By choosing happiness, freedom and being present in the now.

That's the reality.

I can honour them by honouring my dream and coming back to NOW.

Coming back to my body.

Coming back home to my essence.

Coming back home to gratitude.

Knowing that everything that is meant for me will always be for me.

Nothing is ever lost.

Things come and go as they are meant to, whether I resist or not.

Just like that, the density in my heart has lifted.

My eyes have been bathed with clarity and fresh tears.

I can suddenly hear the birds outside and witness the beauty of the rain lifting.

Now is all I have.

This life I choose to live.

Freedom is my birthright.

Love always is and always will be.

I let go.

I've come back home to myself.

And it's ok to be uncomfortable as I get used to this new way of being.

So it is,

KJ

My life of trial and error. Your gain without the pain.

A beautiful summary from this share of how life as I know it could benefit you and yours, if you choose;

• Suffering is a choice - we could choose to rewire our traumas and create a new normal so we can move through our pain with more ease and grace. It comes down to bringing more awareness to this and shifting it, if we choose.

• We can choose to be present in the now or live in the past or future; either way - what are you gaining by being anywhere but here? And if you choose to be in the past, go back there... No... Then choose now.

• A new life, just like new shoes, will be uncomfortable and have teething problems at first. It's not a sign to give up or that it's not for you. We are being tested to see how much we really want this new life. Lean in and take hold with both hands. Declare this new life as yours.

• It's ok to choose ME and let go of who may need us, the old identify of who we were and move forward. It's only as hard as we choose it to be. We can hold on to what was, or let go and create more space for what we have called in.