Moving Forward with Grace

Friday night I was triggered... Big Time!

I witnessed my belly start to tie up in knots...

I blamed the food.

I witnessed me starting to retreat, go quiet and shutdown...

I blamed feeling out of place with new people.

I witnessed an obvious trigger by the end of the night and briefly spoke into it.

This morning I realised the depths and where I'm being called to move through it.

🔥

In the past, I would have reacted.

I likely would have been extremely intoxicated too and blamed the other person for how I felt.

I would have screamed (fight) or locked myself away (freeze).

I would have projected out all my fears, all those unresolved, unknowing feelings that would have bubbled to the surface,

And would have spewed them out of me like venom.

Unknowing why I felt so hurt, so scared, so vulnerable therefore on the defence.

For the pain of those triggers took me to a dark place.

And in the past, when I was taken to that darkness, I wanted others to hurt as I did,

For fighting I knew well.

🔥

Instead, being sober for close to 2.5 years, I have control over my emotions and my triggers.

For having done so much work, inner healing and have incredible tools to bring me back to now,

To breathe through it, to speak and ask for space to process.

I know how to witness and respond now.

I know to come back to it later to process.

I know it's actually about me, and not about anyone else.

I know no one made me feel that way or took me to the darkness, other than me.

I know my triggers, I welcome them and I honour them when they appear,

As there is beautiful growth in them for me,

For my commitment to being the best version of me is always paramount.

🔥

This morning, allowing space to process, to be with those uncomfortable feelings that arose Friday night,

I realise it was deeper than I first thought.

It went further back... Of course.

It was more than triggering of a past relationship as I first thought,

It was the triggering of those feelings of not feeling safe growing up.

Of not being in control and not being able to change the outcome.

Those moments when I would witness the lead up to homebound inner wars;

The copious amounts of alcohol,

The energy thickening and becoming densely polluted.

The feelings within rising the more unsafe and out of control I felt.

Trying to find a way out, a safe haven.

And it always ending the same...

Witnessing them, trying to protect her and always ending up battered and bruised as well.

Blood curdling screams, clumps of hair... Then deafening silence.

🔥

This was not that, not even close...

Yet the feelings that arose in my body were.

The more drinks consumed, the more my body reacted and I linked it to a past relationship.

My body knows and allowing the time and space this morning,

The remembrance hit me hard.

This is not that.

My life is not then.

I am safe.

I am loved.

I am worthy.

Because I am in control.

I make empowering choices,

And I lead from my heart whilst witnessing moments of fear arise.

🔥

We can witness our triggers and move through them when we allow the time and space.

We can process, heal and become more empowered through facing off rather than avoiding, blaming or fighting back.

I'm grateful for Friday night's triggers, as uncomfortable as it felt.

I'm grateful for my ability to witness rather than project and make it worse.

I'm grateful to my past for showing me what I do not want and for this present moment for choosing...

Choosing moment to moment.

I let it go for the disillusion of yesterday for it serves only this moment of choosing, to move forward with grace rather than recreating the past.

I am forever grateful for all from my past for guiding me to this very moment in time,

For me to be who I am, honour myself and create the magic possible from infinite possibilities, rather than stuck resolutions.

I am grateful for me, for my open heart, my warrior spirit and soft vulnerabilities.

How incredible this life truly is when we take radical responsibility.

My goodness I love me.